A Vox reader writes: Why is it so hard to make friends as you continue to get older?
You don’t need me to tell you what you probably already know: Forming new friendships in adulthood feels close to impossible (unless you’re a preternaturally charming social butterfly, in which case, good for you!).
For the rest of us, introducing yourself to people is awkward, and inviting someone new to hang out can be more nerve-wracking than asking your crush out on a date. Even if you do schedule a time to meet, who has the time for regular get-togethers when you hardly see your current friends as it is?
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Although over 60 percent of Americans consider having close friends crucial for a fulfilling life, 8 percent of people 18 and older report having no close friends. And as our reader suspected, as we get older, our social circle starts to diminish. One study found that people generally have the most friends at age 25. After that, we’re in a gradual friend decline for the rest of our lives.
In the midst of an ongoing loneliness epidemic, friends remain a lifeline: They are our champions and cheerleaders, the people we entrust with our closest secrets and insecurities, our companions for life’s moments, big and small.
If these connections are so crucial, why do we have such a tough time forming new ones? After reporting on friendship for seven years, here’s what I’ve found.
Why is it so hard to make new friends?
It’s not just you; most people feel this way. But when we say making friends as adults is hard, it’s because we’re comparing the experience to childhood, when it was indeed easier.
As kids, we’re thrust into social situations, like school and sports, with no real say over who’ll be there or whether we can opt out. All this forced time together facilitates relationship-building: Research shows it takes over 200 hours spent with someone to consider them a close friend. Racking up that time is much easier when you’re in the same classroom, playground, practice field, neighborhood, dorm room, or study group.
As adults, who has the time to put in that kind of legwork? Our precious hours are spread between all of our responsibilities and relationships, from work and hobbies to partners and children.
One study found that once we settle down, we tend to shed an average of two friends; all the energy that went into maintaining those friendships is now devoted to a romantic partner.
The older we get, the more fixed, obligatory relationships we acquire: partners, in-laws, longtime friends, children. Modern child-rearing, in particular, can occupy so much space in your brain and calendar that your only social interactions might be with people adjacent to your child’s life and activities — people you wouldn’t necessarily choose to hang out with.
What prevents us from forming connections?
Remote work has put a damper on another once-vibrant source of friendships: It’s much harder to make meaningful connections with coworkers in the age of Zoom.
Fundamentally, many of us are burned out by modern life. When you have nothing left to give at the end of the day, spending time with friends — not to mention putting yourself in exhausting scenarios to make new friends — can feel like a chore. It’s why so many of us have felt relieved when a friend cancels plans at the last minute.
Finally, there’s the problem of our own self-consciousness. Let’s say you meet another parent on the sidelines of your kid’s soccer game. You compliment their shoes, they offer up a witty joke — the two of you might really get along. But you never take the connection off the field.
Why? We have a self-sabotaging tendency to believe other people don’t enjoy chatting with us as much as we enjoy talking to them, a phenomenon called the liking gap. It’s mostly an invention in our heads, but it’s powerful.
So, how can I make more friends?
We should act like kids again.
If you have the free time, put yourself in a situation where you’ll encounter the same group of people for an extended period of time, like a club or volunteer group. Then, try to turn off the nagging voice in your head that says you’re not interesting or might say something stupid and strike up a conversation with someone. Remember: they like you more than you think (that’s according to psychologist Marisa G. Franco in her book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends).
If you’re nervous in your new group setting, you can take a few weeks to warm up and build a relationship with others. You know exactly when and where you’ll see these people again so there’s less urgency. This makes it easier to start building toward 200 hours spent together.
For those who are strapped for time, take note of the people you already see and interact with most frequently, maybe a coworker or a neighbor. What’s stopping you from befriending them? Start with some small talk the next time you see them and graduate into longer conversations as you feel comfortable. The more meaningful these conversations become, the more likely you are to build a genuine friend-level relationship.
As awkward as it may be, ask for their phone number or email and schedule your next get-together before the current one ends. And even if you feel so burned out you couldn’t possibly imagine dragging your lifeless body off the couch for happy hour with a new person, remind yourself that connection is the antidote to that feeling, not isolation.
This will probably feel exhausting because hanging out with new people is more energy-intensive than spending time with those we already know. But it should also be fun. There’s no pressure to find your next best friend, just someone who you’ll enjoy talking to for the next 10 minutes.
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